Ballerina Dreams

I always knew that I wanted to be a mother one day. The first time I dreamed in pink was by proxy. As I eagerly awaited the birth of my nephew, I very much wanted him to be a girl, if for nothing more than to dress him up like my dolls. My dreams of pink were put on hold for many years. Approaching motherhood myself, my dreams expanded beyond pink. While still in my womb, I knew Nigel was a boy. The simple beauty of motherhood laid my dreams of pink aside. With Michael, I was no longer dreaming of pink and blue, but love expanding and memories abound. Utter happiness of motherhood a second time around was enough for me. As I told one of the many people that asked if I were disappointed, “Having a girl would be nice, but being a mom is much better.”

And, then there was Riley. I was sure that I would be a mom of all boys and had no expectation, until a brief moment during the ultrasound. As all the pertinent measurements and pictures had been taken, the technician asked if I wanted to know the gender. In that brief, fleeting moment, my heart began to race, and I thought, “Could it be a girl?” I could not say “yes” fast enough! As she announced that Riley was a girl, I stared in disbelief, “Are you sure?” Instantaneously, all those packed away dreams of pink re-surfaced, including the dream to have a ballerina, or at least see my daughter in a tutu ;).

At times, Riley gives me a glimpse of this dream as she prances around on her tip toes. Initially, I thought, “How cute is that?” As time wore on, I began to wonder if she could be experiencing pain. Swollen hands and feet or Hand-foot syndrome is a symptom of sickle cell in babies. The swelling is caused by sickle-shaped red blood cells blocking blood flow out of the hands and feet. Like many things, this symptom can be painful and require medical attention. I have to monitor Riley’s hands and feet and keep her hydrated as a preventive measure.

At times, I do see her grimace, but thus far, it passes before I can reach her. As she prances on, I can’t help but think, maybe she has ballerina dreams too.